The Greatest Band That Never Was

     Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Tigerpony!

     Tigerpony consisted of underground legends Zach “Ah-boo” Johnson on larynx-shredding vocals, Joel “Buzz” Amundson on thrashing lead guitar, Ian “C.B.” Olson on ripping lead guitar, Jared “Rod” Amundson on luscious synth, Joseph “Hightower” Langer on bass domination, and Joel “Jazzbah” Wallace on assault drums, uniting for all-out aural devastation delivered via D.I.Y. sonic brutality under the banner of awe-inspiring mythical creatures. Their groundbreaking mixture of hardcore and death metal injected the Southern Wisconsin scene with new life through its twin lead guitar harmonies, punishing hyper-blastbeat attacks, bonecrushing doooooooooom riffs, face re-arranging breakdowns, and vocals reminiscent of an exploding nitroglycerine plant. After a Tigerpony set, you had to scrape your consciousness off of the floor and try to fit it back into your soundwave-shattered skull, all while nursing the wounds incurred from the most frenzied mosh pits ever witnessed by man! Their major hit was “Allybatross,” an excursion into sludgey, black-encrusted DOOM, punctuated with what could only be described as the guitar equivalent of a 155 mm howitzer bombardment or a panzer blitzkrieg erupting through your speakers, and laced throughout with elegant, soaring keyboard themes. Their time in the limelight was brief, however, as, like so many other period-defining artists, they were simply too far ahead of their own time- their era’s zeitgeist simply was not ready for the heretofore-unseen progression Tigerpony exhibited with each new 7″ single recorded in Ian’s basement. Ultimately, not knowing how to surpass their own work to date, Tigerpony opted to finish on top, and retired the band after a string of hits and unchallenged chart dominance, their legacy firmly established for centuries to come. This left its former members to pursue other projects such as To Contend Against Rome, 324, the Plumed Serpent, Judas Creep, Croatoan, the Dynasty, the Funeral of Being, Neriah, Captive, and many others. Their legions of devoted fans mourn the band’s passing to this day and yearn for a return, glorious as the phoenix rising from the ashes, of the late, the great-

DISCLAIMER: Choice portions of this band biography are forays into fanciful exaggeration and extreme hyperbole, if not outright fabrications with no bearing in reality whatsoever. But rest assured, for one brief, shining moment, Tigerpony was about the coolest thing happening in Janesville, Wisconsin.*

*Or anywhere, for that matter.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s